So it starts to require a different approach when we can't actually make them do things. Right? We can't parent through, for lack of a better word, force. Right? You've got to have more of a side door approach versus this more in-your-face front door approach where you're really trying to force or exert power over them to get them to do what you want to. It just doesn't work.
Welcome to the Mindset Coach Academy podcast. I'm Lindsey Wilson and I am a high-performance Mindset Coach, a mom, a former professional athlete and an entrepreneur. I help coaches and high performers optimize their mindset to improve their coaching, their performance and those of their athletes and their lives.
Here you'll learn all about mindset, how to live it, how to teach it, and how to sell it. Hi everybody and welcome back to the Mindset Coach Academy podcast. I have a very special guest today with Janine Mushard. Hi Janine. Hi Lindsey, how are you?
Speaker 1: Happy to be here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so nice to connect. Janine and I met at a mastermind. I guess, was it a year ago now? Yes, a little over. Yeah, and then you connected with Bran over at Elite Competitor and I've been thinking about having you on before we get into it. So Janine is a parenting coach and specializes in teen parents and you know, I'm always thinking about like different ways of bringing guests in and talking about mindset and I think like the parenting and especially like the parenting and or coaching of like the teenage group is something that a lot of people are struggling with.
So I definitely want to touch on all of that today. You have an awesome framework that I know you teach that I want to dive into but before we do that Janine, if you could just tell us a little bit I know about you but tell us a little bit about yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, thanks Lindsey. Well, like I said, thank you for having me on. I'm happy to be here. I'm Janine Mushard and I am a parenting coach for moms and dads with teenagers. I'd say like basically two different types of parents come to me. Some way are really their teen is in a bit of a crisis. Maybe they're doing risky behavior like smoking, drinking or sex. Maybe they are just really shutting their parents out and there's no communication going on which obviously really scares parents but there feels like there's some crisis or they just can't get through to their teenager. They're not listening. They don't have good communication flowing. So some parents come to me with that issue where they're really in some pretty scary pain going on and others tend to come to me maybe more when their kids are pre-teens or kind of the junior high transitioning to high school and in that situation they're really looking for parenting strategies and skills that they can learn right now.
So the teenagers do go smoothly and they can enjoy them and they know how to navigate the uncomfortable conversations that come up when you have a teenager and how to set themselves up so they do become their teens go to person. So those are the type of people that seek me out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, cool. Well, I'm sure there's a lot of our listeners that fall into those two categories. I mean, I think I love like, of course, I'm a parent so I want to get better at it and learn all I can but I just love this sort of like, I don't know if it's new or it's just new to me but just this era of like parents really trying to understand and improve and like really get to the psychology of it basically.
I mean, all that this is like their own mindset and then also that of their kids. But I would love if you could get into the framework or the steps that you teach because I remember hearing you on Stacey's podcast that was our coach and I just, you know, I might, my oldest is eight but I remember listening to your podcast and I was like, oh my god, these steps or the framework, whatever it is that you teach like everybody needs to hear this because it's so, so simple and I just nerd out on framework. So if you wouldn't, would you mind just sharing that with us?
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I'd love to. I'd love to. Thanks, Lindsey. So, you know, in general, just if we sort of pull back and zoom out for a minute, when our kids hit the preteen and teen years, if you kind of self reflect a little, you'll notice that most of your parenting approach is based on stopping behavior that they are doing that is worrying you or concerning you.
Right? So that just like you see them smoking, you want it to stop. You see them not doing their homework.
You want to start fixing that and, you know, getting them motivated to get their work done and turn it in. You see them lying to you. You want that to stop. And so the conversation and the approach tends to be around fixing or stopping the behavior that's making you angry or making you worried or making you scared. And that approach tends to have teens pulling away from their parents instead of leaning in and sharing. And I guess I just want to normalize that for a minute because the age of your kids, you know, when our kids are younger, there's at least a decade or more where it is our job to stop behavior that's problematic if they're running into the street. Right?
You've got to grab their hand and stop them. Right? Or, you know, you're in a more, you're in a mode more of what I think most of us think of as traditional parenting, right? It's all very hands on and you're very involved because that's what younger kids need from you.
But as your child's transitioning to be a teenager, they're trying to figure these things out for themselves. And they want to. And we want them to, right? We need them to build these life skills so they can launch afterwards and, you know, thrive in the world beyond living on in our house and high school.
Yes. And so that knowing that and understanding that when your child becomes a teenager, they need something different from you now, it requires a different parenting approach than the one that has worked for many years. And so that's how I created this five step process, which is really to give parents of teams a framework of how to communicate with them. So they are listening and you feel more calm and grounded and like the sturdy parent who knows how to guide and influence and support your team. So that's a little bit of an overview as to why I came up with the five steps and full transparency. I've got three adult children of my own and the steps really came out of trying to parent my middle one. It was really, really challenging and he was doing some pretty risky behavior.
And I just noticed that whatever I tried to do, whether I was tracking him or, you know, with making sure he didn't have access to money or trying to catch him in a lie, like all of that was creating distance between us instead of closeness. So that's really where these five steps came out from.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's really helpful. I mean, I can see that like even with my kids and you know, they're eight, five, four and 20 months. But I see that like the the why behind the behavior is like so, so crucial instead of just do this and don't do that. And then you know, you can get so easily into that mode because it's like the fastest way, you think it's the fastest way to get what you want. You know, it's like if you just tell them to do this and stop doing this, like, God damn it, just do it. And yet, and of course, I have those moments for sure, I'm just I'm done like trying to figure out why. But I do notice when I'm able to get to that level of understanding why they're not doing something, it's you're so much more likely to get what you actually want, but it's so hard in the moment.
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, it's so true. And by you starting this now and understanding like, Hey, it might take a little more time, but when I can get to the underlying reason of why they're doing the behavior that's worrying you or the behavior you want to stop, like that that is going to just set you up for success in the teen years. Because as you were saying, like when they're young, like the quickest, easiest way is just to stop them. But that you really becomes next to impossible to do that when they're a teenager.
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely. I can see that. I mean, even now it's like, what am I going to do? Russell, I'm to the ground to get their pants on. I mean, I've definitely done that.
Speaker 1: Right. But at some point, like you can't do that.
Speaker 2: You can't make it too big. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Right. So it starts to require a different approach when we can't actually make them do things. Right. We can't parent through, for lack of a better word, force.
Right. You've got to have more of a side door approach versus this more in your face, front door approach where you're really trying to force or exert power over them to get them to do what you want to. It just doesn't work for most teens. I want to hear your process, but I just can't help but like make the connections between so many people that are listening, they're coaches of like, you can't like this is the same thing with coaching is like, you can't actually make people do things on the court. You can't actually make them work hard.
You can't actually do any of that. It's like understanding their why and leading them in their direction. Like everybody wants this autonomy. Like even I see it in my kids, like they're so little and yet I see them like fighting for that choice in their life. And it's such a healthy way. You know, it's like you want people to have that, that gumption to want to own their decisions. Like that's actually a good thing. Again, very hard to see in the moment. Right. I can't help but like make that connection to coaching as well. So similar.
Speaker 1: It really is. I mean, because obviously I'm a coach. And so part of what I did was integrate these parenting strategies with coaching. And so your perception that, yeah, it really comes down to what are their thoughts and feelings. It's the same thing going on with your teens and part of the framework that I created. So yeah, just to jump right in, the first step really pivots off what you were just talking about, which is, you know, when our child is doing something that we're scared of or we're worried about or we get angry, our nervous system gets activated and flooded with those emotions. And we want to get rid of those emotions because they feel like crap.
And so most of us just instinctively, what we do is we want to have that conversation with our teenager right then and there, get the behavior to stop, because subconsciously we think, okay, that's how these feelings will go away. Yeah. Right. But that doesn't work with teenagers. And so the very first step that I work with clients on is how to manage your own emotions and feelings, how to settle your own nervous system before you even engage in a conversation with them. And so, you know, I teach like different coping strategies on how to do that. But the, you know, the reasoning behind that is when we come in guns blazing with that fear or anger or worry into a conversation with our teens, it repels them.
Like, remember, Stacey would always call us about like bad B.O. It repels them because they can't handle or manage the big emotions and feelings you're coming at them with. And most of the time, the underlying reason behind that is you're disappointed in something that they're doing. And when they feel that disappointment from you, that makes shame come up for them. And so without them realizing it, they're trying to avoid that feeling of, my God, my mom, my dad, they're disappointed in me.
And now I'm feeling ashamed of what I did. Like they're trying to avoid that. And then that's why you get the, get out of my room or go away or leave me alone.
Right. It's their way of saying to you, like, I can't manage the fact that you're disappointed in me right now, or you're frustrated with me right now, or you're worried about me right now. Like I can't take that on.
And so I'm going to push you away. So before you even get started, oftentimes the communication and the engagement is not even there. So that first step we work on, and it's the hardest step is really learning how to take a beat to stop, pause, breathe, right? Give our flight, fight system a chance to settle before we try to have a conversation with them.
Speaker 2: So that's step one. I mean, I love this. I mean, I feel like, you know, I'm 42 years old and I just now realized in therapy that like my anger is usually sadness or fear.
Like I just realized this. And like that's my go to like, with pretty much everything in my life, like anger is so much easier, or just getting fired up is easy for me versus sad. But I'm wondering like, in those moments when let's say I'm scared, or I'm, I'm lonely, or I'm feeling something that's even more uncomfortable than anger for me, is the goal to uncover the real feeling or is the goal just to be like more neutral? So like, almost like the kid doesn't really feel a whole lot from you except for love.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, great question. I think it's really a dual answer, right? It's like, if you haven't been in therapy and you haven't been working for a coach for that long, you can do what I would call more surface level coping strategies that can be effective. You know, focusing on your breath can be very calming, like petting your dog can be calming, turning on a piece of music can be calming. So you can settle your nervous system in these more surface level ways and still get a positive engagement and conversation going with your teenager. What you refer to more like really uncovering like, where's the anger coming from? Is it worry? Is it fear? And, and why is that coming up for me?
Why am I getting so triggered? And understanding the thoughts and the feelings behind it that's creating it, that's, that's the deeper work. And with my clients, we do both. We start with kind of that surface level calming your emotions. So you can just immediately get like some engagement and some positive interaction going and you get a couple wins under your belt. And then as we continue to work together, we, we work on those deeper thoughts and emotions that are going on that are causing the trigger.
Speaker 2: I love that, that even just like those very simple actionable things that like, you don't have to be, you don't have to even like know all this, you can just do something really simple to just like take it down a notch.
Yes. And I love, I can, I can totally see like that when you're coming at them, whoever that is really, but in this case a teenager, that when they start the shame cycle, they're going away. And that's like, that just widens this huge chasm that was probably there already with the situation.
And then it just gets bigger. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. So that's step one. So it's really just step one is managing your own feelings, which is probably like a life skill for everybody in every situation.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Just like, yeah, managing your own feelings or calming your nervous system, like whatever resonates with you. And I will just say, I was listening to one of Huberman, I can't think of his first name at the moment, but the Huberman podcast, and he was saying like just doing two sharp inhalations through your nostrils and one long exhalation through your mouth, doing that three times immediately settles your nervous system. You don't have to necessarily do all this deep thought work and emotion work.
You can really get some quick, there are some quick coping strategies you can do right away that will immediately tee yourself up to have a better outcome of a conversation with your teenager. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Love that. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Step two, you want to jump to that? That's it. Let's do it. Yeah. So step two is really just about trying to zoom out, get a bird's eye view, right? Because you know, like you, of course, you're triggered, you want what's best for your team. But if you can zoom out for a minute and really try to look at the situation objectively, right?
So without any layers of judgment or assumptions going on. So like for example, you go into your kid's student portal, you find out they're missing a bunch of assignments, and you might naturally think, Oh, I know exactly why they're missing the assignments, right? They just spending all day on YouTube, not doing their homework, right? Like that's so natural for us to do as parents. But what you want to do here in step two is really try to create the circumstance that you're seeing just to as an observation, right?
Like, okay, my son is missing five assignments in English. Or I found a vape in my team's backpack. Or my team is struggling telling me the truth, right? So you really try to take a moment and look at the situation that's going on and really just come down to a very simple framework of stating just the facts. And you're going to do that when you approach your teenager, and you're doing that for yourself first in your own mind, right? So you might approach.
Yeah, go ahead. I was just going to say, so you would approach your team and instead of saying like, Hey, I checked the student portal, you're missing all these assignments. Why aren't you doing your responsibility?
Or any sort of natural reaction we would have. In this situation, you would just state the facts by saying, Hey, I noticed you're missing assignments in math. That's step two.
Speaker 2: And is that, what was I going to say? So that's kind of like, like you said, focusing on the facts and not making up a story in your brain. Does that include also like, I could see myself like spiraling, you know, like they miss this, or they're not going to do well in their SATs, they're not going to get into college, they're not going to have a job, they're going to be unemployed their whole life. You know what I mean? Like, is that sort of all mixed in with that too? It really is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Lindsey, what you just described, I call like mommy fast forward brain. We love to do that and fast forward like, Oh my God, you're missing these five assignments, you're never going to go to college.
I go, it's what we love to do. So it's just kind of being onto ourselves and realizing, Oh, wait, when I have that mommy fast forward brain, what happens is, is we start feeling really worried. And, and when we are super worried, and we approach a conversation with our teenager, it repels them. Right.
Speaker 2: So when you can just,
Speaker 1: it's so common, we all do, we all do. I mean, I think it's just like natural things. Look around at all your friends, like everybody does this, but nobody talks about it.
Nobody normalizes it. Like, yeah, you know, you want the best for your child, you want them to thrive. So of course, you worry when you see them making choices, like not doing your homework, that you think is going to be, not help them be the best version of it. themselves.
Speaker 2: And then you get into the fear brain and then you repel them more. I got it. Yes. Yes. Okay. Step three. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Okay. Yeah. So step three is all about getting curious, which again, most of us do not do with our teenagers. Most of us think like, Oh, I'm going to tell them what they should do or what they need to do. Or I'm going to give them my sage advice because I'm wise and, and, and, you know, have all this wisdom that I'm ready to share. You know, we get so we're giving them advice, we're telling them what they should do, need to do. Another common one is we tell them why they're wrong.
Right. All these approaches when, when your child becomes a teenager is very off putting to them. Again, like going back to what we talked about in the beginning, they're trying to figure things out for themselves. They want to, they naturally have a desire to. And so what they need from you now is your curiosity, not telling them what they should do or need to do or offering advice.
So you got to flip that switch. And, you know, when you see a behavior you want to stop, it's slowing yourself down and really asking a curious question. Because what we're trying to do is what you've touched on earlier is we're trying to figure out what's going on inside of them. What are they thinking?
What are they feeling that's causing them to make that choice? Like if they're not doing, if they're missing five assignments in math, instead of focusing the conversation on the missing assignments, we want to find out the why underneath it. Like are they feeling overwhelmed? Do they not understand the concept? Did they ask a question in class? And then they felt embarrassed and humiliated because their friends started laughing at them. Do they need a tutor?
Right? There's something going on underneath it that's causing them to avoid doing their homework. It's usually not just, oh, I want to spend hours and hours on social media. It's usually like, oh, I want to spend hours and hours doing that because it feels too hard to do my responsibility. Right? So your conversation after step one, you get calm. Right? A step two, three would be something like, hey, I found a vape in your backpack.
What's going on? That simple. That short. No sarcasm in your tone. Right?
No judging in your tone. No assuming that, oh, again, mommy fast forward brain. Oh my god, there's a vape in the backpack and they're smoking all the time. And right. And now they're not going to have like healthy brain cells to get there, to do all the ACT.
And we love to fast forward like that. But to realize that really when you want to be your teen's go to person, when you want that connection with them, when you want to help them, the gold, the gold mine here is figuring out what's going on underneath the surface with them. What are they thinking? What are they feeling? To cause the behavior you're seeing, to cause the disrespect, to cause the lying, to cause the, you know, grades dropping in school. And so that's kind of the one, two and three together.
Speaker 2: I love that third one though. Like I just, I feel like I can almost have like a picture of like creating like this space where they actually feel safe. Having done something, you know, quote unquote wrong, but they still feel safe and they also don't feel that shame. They feel like, like the person that loves the most in the world believes there must be a reason for this. Yeah. They're not a bad person.
Speaker 1: I love that. Oh, and I love your perspective on that. That's one of my big philosophies is, you know what? Like your kid is a good kid who might be struggling on the outside, but they are good inside. You know, I love listening to Dr. Becky. She's a clinical psychologist for parents with little ones, but so much of what she says applies to teens. And really, I believe that wholeheartedly too. It's separating the behavior from who they are. And that's how you're going to tee up your conversation for success.
Speaker 2: Right. And you want them, the one thing she talks about was the best interpretation or she says something like that. Yes.
Speaker 1: It's called the MGI, the most generous interpretation. That really ties into that step too that I was talking about. Right. What might be your most generous interpretation of why they're lying to you, right? Of why they're hitting their sibling, of why they're breaking curfew? Like what can be your most generous interpretation of that situation? When you do that, it's like another way of what I was describing like, how can you just state the facts without making any sort of assumptions or interpretations or layering sarcasm or judgment on top of the conversation you're about to have with them?
Speaker 2: Well, and I also just love like this, at least laying the framework for so much of what you and I have studied and many of our coaches study is when it comes to like the mindset and our thoughts and behaviors.
Like there are the thoughts and the feelings that are leading to this. It's not just this isolated behavior. Again, that we need to stop because that's a life skill for all of us. It's not about the drinking. It's not about the overeating. It's not about whatever else we're doing. It's about how we're feeling to do those things. And like if teenagers can start learning that, like what a amazing life skill for them to then backtrack and say, okay, what really is causing this? Even if they don't know, like just to be able to ask that question is so cool.
Speaker 1: And that's what I love that you brought that up. That's something that I just got chills. Like I feel so passionate about that. Okay, yes, you know, people come to me and they want this better communication with their teenager. But as you start leaning into this five steps, you're teaching your child the nature of, oh, wait, there's a thought that comes up in my mind, which creates a feeling in my body, which causes me to act a certain way. Like you said, to drink, to overeat and to understand that framework as a teenager, like that will impact their life forever. Absolutely. I just think that's so cool. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And then to learn it in real life while their brain is still forming is really cool. Okay, so we got the three steps. How many steps are there? There's five. Okay. Yeah. All right. Let's keep going.
Speaker 1: Yeah. So, so step four, and I want to just also say what we're trying to do here is, right, we all want the behavior to stop. I agree. I wanted my son to stop smoking, right? But it's that we got to slow down with a teenager and create this, engage them in a conversation and connect with them before we can get to their cooperation and making better choices. So just I realized I sort of forgot to mention that, but that's what we're doing here is creating that engagement and connection.
So eventually, yes, we can help them choose better or stop the behavior. So the fourth step is really about, you know, they've now, you've approached them stating your observation, you've asked them your curious what question, right? You are discerning from that, what is going on in their mind? What's going on in their feelings? Like, are they overwhelmed? Are they embarrassed? Are they, you know, humiliated?
What is going on for them? And so step four is about normalizing those feelings. So they don't feel so alone in it. Right?
So they feel like, right, teens naturally feel like, what is wrong with me? I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not athletic enough.
I'm not pretty enough. Like those are very normal teen thoughts to come up and then create this feeling inside of them of low confidence, low self-esteem. So when we can really validate and normalize the feelings that are going inside of them, they feel like we understand them that were on their side, that were on their team, right? That it's, it's you and me, honey, against the problem.
It's not that you are the problem. Right? So you might say something like, hey, listen, it makes perfect sense that you'd feel really overwhelmed because you don't understand the math concepts in this chapter. Right?
And so it makes perfect sense. You just checked out and stopped doing it. Right? So you're normalizing their experience for them and those feelings that come up. Right? Or, hey, it makes sense that, you know, I understand why you ditched fourth period and you were drinking in the bathroom with your friends.
Right? You want to fit in with this friend group and you felt that pressure to fit in. So you drank like anybody in your situation would feel that pressure. Like that, that is normal.
There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the pressure. We got to start there, validating the feelings that are going on inside of them before we get to the poor choice they made of drinking. Right?
Yeah. And so that's what the fourth step is all about, is normalizing the feelings that are going on inside of them so they don't feel like anything is wrong with them. They feel like you understand them. You're listening. You're on their side.
You're on their team. And when you can walk through those fourth steps, it then sets you up for the fifth step, which is that part that you want as a parent for the behavior to stop. Right? Or you want them to cooperate. And so the difference here is instead of telling them what they should do, they need to do, offering your advice like we talked about earlier, after you normalize the situation for them, you then want to say, well, you know, what do you want to do differently the next time that happens? The next time you don't understand a concept going on in math, like what do you want to do to solve that?
Right? Because we know just missing assignments, like that's going to create more stress for you, more pressure for you. Or the next time you feel peer pressure to go smoke, like what do you want to do differently so you don't make that choice? We want to invite them in to solving their own problems. And that is something that most of us just don't do.
Because we know the answer. We know like the best thing they should do to avoid, you know, to stop lying or to be respectful. And so for us, like, it's really challenging to resist that urge to tell them that, but they don't need that from you now. What they want and need from you is your guidance, your support, and helping them figure out how to solve for the problem. And I'm not saying you can't offer your advice.
Of course, you can, but the difference here, Lindsey, is you want their buy-in. Right? If they're like, I don't know what to do.
Right? Which is a very common response from teens. You can say, well, would you would you like my opinion or my thoughts on this? That's very different than just telling them what to do. You're asking for their buy-in. Like, you know, are you interested in hearing what I might have to say? And if they say, no, like, be okay with that. And know that, okay, I'm just planting seeds here and maybe I need to give them some time to come around. It's not all like a quick fix.
Right? This takes time and you're in a relationship. It's a bit of a dance between the two of you. But just to know that the fifth step is really about eliciting from them. What are their solutions to make better choices? Whatever the situation may be.
Speaker 2: Janine, this is like really a great framework. Like, it really, I mean, I can see and love that it came from your own life because I can see the times that I've done some of these. Or I can see the times when I didn't, even with my kids at the ages they are.
So I think this is something that's really, really relevant for, I mean, really any parents. But again, I can see this with coaches where they're trying to change behaviors of their athletes. You know, I mean, the old school way with sports, and I know you said your husband and brother, I think, were Olympians, like the old school way with sports was like, just get them on the line and run them. You know, it was like very punishment based. And you know, there's probably a lot of people that are listening that say, well, we've gotten a little too far away from that too. So I am kind of interested in your approach when it comes to, let's say, punishment or boundaries, or like how do you hold the line, whether that's coaching or parenting, for someone that's not going through this process with you, then it's basically just f off or I'm not going to do what me to say or do what I do.
Speaker 1: You mean if the teenager is saying f off? Yeah.
Speaker 2: And you're having trouble. Yeah. How do you hold the line if somebody's like, not dancing with you, I guess, is like, the behavior is continuing? Like, what's your approach? I know it probably depends on the situation. But again, I see this with coaches.
Again, it used to be the punishment base. And now I think it's more of the understanding and communication. But of course, you know, running a household or running a team and a program, like you have to have rules, you have to have boundaries. Like what's your sort of philosophy on that? Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Thanks for asking that. I mean, my philosophy is that in a short, in a nutshell is punishments don't work. Maybe they work in the short term, right? Maybe you take away their phone and then they fix, you know, the teen stops doing the behavior you want. Because the idea that you need to understand here is they're stopping the behavior because they want their phone back, not because they understand why their behavior was problematic in the first place. And so you're really creating this external motivation to do the right thing versus an internal motivation.
And so I've just like, I saw it with my kids and I, you know, all three of them like punishments in the long run do not work. It is tends to be where we're exerting our power over them versus helping them understand why something is so important, why it's important, you know, that I want you to be safe, right? Why it's important to be doing your schoolwork. And when we slow down and help them understand the why, they tend to be more motivated to do it. And so if they're not, and they're saying, F off, first of all, this framework, the five steps work, so that rarely happens. But if it does, there's a whole another concept I teach about setting and maintaining boundaries.
And maybe that's for another podcast, because there's another five steps with that. But it basically in a nutshell, what I work with clients on is, hey, first, you got to lay out what is your boundary? What is your limit in order to keep your child safe and have an understanding why that's important to you? And so when you enter a conversation with your team, you're entering it with the perspective of, I'm trying to create an agreement here between myself and between my teenager. And so we talk about like, what does that agreement look like? And you come to a compromise, your team wants one thing, you want another, how can you meet in the middle?
And then I teach a framework to then what happens if they don't stick with the agreement? How do you manage that and maintain and hold your boundary? It's funny, because I just wrote a blog on this that I posted yesterday and I did a video I posted on it today, which is basically how to set and maintain boundaries. But what I was mostly the message I was sending is, it's super, super hard to maintain a boundary when your teen is yelling at you and telling you to f off.
It's really hard. And I just want to normalize that right there. And that it is a little more complicated and nuanced, like how do you move on from there? So I'm guessing we're close to time. We've been talking for a while. I can go into that if you want. No, no,
Speaker 2: no, no. I can put your blog and Instagram in the show notes, so people can go and learn more about that in particular. So let's, so back to this, we do need to wrap up here soon.
I know you probably have appointments. But like back to that, like your child hasn't done the English homework or whatever. Would that be the case where there's not like a punishment, but there's you let them the consequence, like you let it happen kind of thing? Yeah, like the consequence of not turning in your homework or?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I, you know, I mean, natural consequences are great. I think a lot of us like want to jump in and save our child. Right. Like, oh, they forgot their soccer clothes, and they're going to get, you know, not be able to play or whatever their coach is going, they're going to get some negative consequence right from the coach. And so we want to like jump and run over and deliver the soccer clothes.
And I mean, there's nothing wrong with that if you want to do that. But what you're, I just want you to be aware that you're missing helping your child develop the skill of packing their soccer clothes, you know, and being ready before they go to school. And so I guess I don't look at it as like punitive consequence or punishment. I like looking at it as, okay, there's a skill missing here. Right. There's there's something what does my child need right now? What skill are they missing?
Right. So in the case of the, you know, bunch of homework assignments missing, it's right, you want to figure out, well, so why is that going on? Why are they not motivated to do their homework?
And when you understand that underlying reason, then the motivation to do the homework happens versus the conversation being around. You didn't do your homework. It's because you were on your phone. I'm taking my phone away, your phone away. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Does that answer your question? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Okay. Janine, this has been so helpful. And like I said, I think this is a podcast. I think this is applicable to so many different situations that I know for myself.
I remember the first time I heard you go this frame, do this framework, but now going through it again, like I just see the places that I'm able to do this and the places that I need to do it better. So I appreciate this so much. And I think people are going to get so much out of this podcast. And I just appreciate you coming.
Speaker 1: Can you tell me where to get more information about you? Yeah, yeah, you go to my website, janinemouchoir.com. That's a bit of a mouthful. It's J E A N I N E M O U C D H A W A R dot com or I'm on Instagram at janine.theparentingcoach or if you are on, you know, LinkedIn or TikTok or Facebook, I'm there to actually run a Facebook group called Parenting Teens, How to Not Lose Your Shit. So that's a fun place to jump into and get some parenting strategies immediately and feel like you're part of the community. So you don't feel alone. So lots of resources out there.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'll email you and get all those and then we'll put them in the show notes guys. So you can just go and click. Amazing. Well, thank you for having me. Thank you so much for joining us. This is awesome. I just love your approach. It feels like so solid and so realistic and like folks doing the right things. So I appreciate you taking the time. Amazing. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. Absolutely. We'll talk soon. Okay. Bye-bye.
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